Nope, Isaac is not playing peek a boo. He’s actually asleep.

My question isn’t how to get organized; it’s how to stay organized?

Jer and I stayed up last night to clean our basement/playroom/bomb shelter/ distructo area. I wanted to organized the toy mess a little and was surprise when Jer stayed up to help (thanks, hun.) We went crazy dumbing everything out on to the floor and chucking anything broken, riped, mangled or nasty.

A while ago I bought this from Ikea with high hopes of keeping toys in their place. I envisioned little pictures on each bin so the kids would know where to put each toy. Well, that never happened and even though I did organized the toys… they sure didn’t stay like that! By the end of the day everything is always dumped out and we just start violently shoving things back wherever just so we can see the carpet again.

So last night we ended up with this…

I guess labels aren’t as great as pictures might have been but what can I say-I’m lazy. Emma is pretty excited about the system because she is beginning to read and can (almost) tell me what every bin says. Isaac on the other had is going to be a different matter. Lets just say my hopes are not very high for him keeping things tidy.

So the bin with “random” on it… yea, I hate it. I should have written “misc.” instead of “random” but that is how by brain thinks. It’s the bin with all those stupid kid meal toys. I want to just chuck them as far as I possible can but was forced convinced to keep them.

Isaac wanted to pose after Emma did… Yes, he is holding a piece of my staircase. Yes, he is slightly destructive. (No, he does not hit anyone with that dangerous piece of house.) Yes, I love him a lot.

So my questions to you is… Have you found a toy system that works for you and your wee ones? Do you have a fool proof way to keep toy chaos down to a minimum? Please share, I’m sure so many of us could use advice.

I was just doing the dishes while Jer was putting the kids to bed. While I was slaving away, I listened to Jer read the kids a bed time story. There was some laughing involved, a couple screams and a little voice that said “you’re the best daddy.” Hearing that just made me melt into mommy mushyness. It was something so simple but full of meaning for a 4 year olds little mind and heart. She believes her Daddy is the best in the world. In fact… he is.

I usually gripe and complain on this blog but every now and then I’d like to express that I’m really happy. I’m really satisfied with life. I’m just where I want to be. I’m super lucky and I know I take it for granted. The little smiles I get to see everyday and the hugs and kisses that get wrapped around my neck sure make life worth it. I’m glad to have moments like this so that the grey days are much more bearable.

I’m a cringing right now… Do you want to know why?

I had this sudden urge to google some of my old boyfriends. Who knows why. I must be some crazy psycho path. I did this a couple years ago and had only found one. But now I’ve found 2 more. Hurray for blogs. Ohh, scary. If I can find them, maybe they can find me. Doo doo, doo doo. I better watch what I say.

I have no idea why I have this strange desire to know what they are up to.  Are they married, have kids, have a decent job, have any hair left? Forgotten about me? Hate me? Resent me? Do you want to know stuff like that? Yikes, I feel so creeped out.

Actually, I think it is because I want to mend any bad feelings they may have towards me. For some crazy, insane reason, I like to remain friends with people (there are a few exceptions…)  It gives me some sense of peace. I can die knowing that so and so no longer is hurting because of me. These boys effected my life in a great way.

I guess I want to say to them “Thank you for loving me, putting up with me. Thank you for seeing beyond all the silly, selfish, mundane things that made me… ME. Thank you for the memories. I’m sorry. ”

Confessions time…. how many of you have search for old flings on the internet?

Come on now, be honest, or am I really the only crazy one out there.

My sister totally just tooted my horn… as opposed to me tooting my own horn. Check out pictures here. I especially like the comment about my buns of steel. Thanks Jess.

Over the weekend I took the family clan to the climbing gym. It was super fun watching the nephews scale the wall like spiders.

Jess took some shots of me pulling some dang hard roof problem that I’ve been working on for a while. Rock climbing give me some immediate satisfaction. I think that is why it’s so addicting. I was so happy to finally figure out the moves for this particular climb and I had the whole clan there to cheer me on. Yea.

One thing I’ve never been good at is digging through racks and racks of clothes at discount stores and finding the goods, that really cute cheap stuff. I think it is a talent of some people. I’ve made the attempt a few times and have always been sad with the results… things I rarely wear.

I walk in to those stores and am immediately overwhelmed by the piles and piles of disorganized clothes. Where to begin?? Nothing looks great. Do I look in the Jrs or go the misses? Will I look like an old lady if I where that? Impossible… I’ll just look like a child playing in my mother’s clothes. I usually walk through a few isles and then turn and head out.

When I was in Denver with Lindsay we decided to go shopping (without the kiddos, yea!!) and she suggested TJ Max and Ross. I’m pretty sure I had fear in my eyes but gulped past it and said “okay.”

I do suggest digging without children. It makes the game much, much easier. With Lindsay’s help, which was greatly needed- being an amateur and all, I managed to find a few cute items. I thought I would share some my exciting finds.

I’m waiting for the snow to melt so I can wear my new shoes.

Do you have any shopping tips? How do you find the diamond in the rough? Are you brave enough to dig and search through the racks of random clothes? Is it worth it? Or do you stick to the safe, basic stores with the latest fashions and matching outfits already put together for you?

Over the weekend we went on a little trip to Denver. Jer had some work to do there and I had a good friend I wanted to visit. This is the darling, sweet friend that defended me in front of that awful mean lady.

My friend is Lindsay. We met 4 years ago. Jer and I had just had Emma and were living in Maryland, right out side of DC. Linds and I made an instant connection because we both went to the same universities (yes, plural), both majored in Recreational Therapy and both had traveled to Romania for an internship. We hadn’t met until then because she was a year behind me in school.

It was an almost instant friendship. I say almost because at first I wasn’t so sure if she really wanted to hang out with me and baby Emma. So we put off hanging out for a while and then finally we made a shopping/lunch date. She took me to H&M (the best, cheep, stylish clothing store EVER.) After that we hung out a ton. Even our husbands enjoyed each other… you see, they both like sports…and if you have that… you have a really great situation… everyone is happy. We planned road trips, beach trips, climbing trips, camping trips. It was wonderful.

Lindsay is everything I’d want in a friend. She helps me shop and be stylish, she’ll give me her honest opinion, she’s not afraid to see me cry, she makes great yummy food and shares, she loves my crazy kids, she likes to be adventurous (hello, she rock climbs!!), is kind to everyone, makes me laugh, and can talk about anything or nothing, and she always has open arms. Oh yea, she never forgets a birthday and she’s like a sister.

So you see, I was so sad when she moved to Denver. So sad that we even considered moving after them but the job opportunity in Utah arose so we headed west as well. It’s not so bad because we are only one large state away from each other and we have the internet and telephone to keep in contact.

So our trip to Denver was lovely. Lindsay put us up and we shopped and played and ate and laughed. Good fun. Here is a picture of us at the Denver Zoo.

Burr, it was cold. Thanks Lindsay!! Love ya.

Yes, I am. It did feel good to get things out. Thanks for listening. It’s something I’ll never forget and something I will benefit from forever. Thank you so much for all your nice comments.

It’s funny; you all think that whatever I did I should just get over it and that it was okay… what if it actually wasn’t? He he. What if it was some horrible, dreadful thing and I should be punished for for all eternity?? Oh, it was an honest mistake… but funny that you all have such faith in me. Thanks.

Lets just hope next time a crazy woman approaches me with an attack or outlandish accusation that I handle myself better. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could all think fast on the spot and come up with perfectly concise and coherent comebacks? No more what ifs??

Sigh…

I had a lovely day today. Some old friends/roommates from college came to town for a visit. We had a lovely afternoon chit chatting. I love the kind of friendships that can be picked up in the middle of nowhere and feel perfectly normal. Don’t you?

It was a great pick me up.

I had an awful experience. At least I think it was awful. I feel awful.

It has been a few day now but it is haunting me. I really need to get it out of my system.

I’ve been out of town so this is the first chance I’ve had to blog about it. I don’t want to share with the world what happened to me, the details of it all, but I really do need to sit down and write about it. It’s therapy I think… to write things down. To really express how I feel. Otherwise I’ll be up all night writing and rewriting versions of the story in my head. I hope you don’t mind me sharing.

I’m going to give you a very edited version of what happened to me. I am way to embarrassed about it to tell you the truth -what the mistake was. Plus I’m afraid of being reprimanded, looked down upon or judged. I’ve done enough of this to myself over the last 2 days. I can hardly stand it anymore.

—

I was in a very public place. To the best of my knowledge I was being a fine mother, a responsible person, and enjoying my time. All of the sudden, a situation (which I refuse to disclose) presented its self. I responded like any normal person would… WORRY and PANIC. This situation was terrifying!! but I told myself to be calm and simply to do my best to take care of it. I didn’t want to blow it up into a bigger deal before I knew everything that was going on. After one quick minute everything was rectified and I was thinking to myself that I was glad that I had not panicked.

I was no longer terrified, the moment has past, but I still had every right in the world to be mortified. There were a lot of eyes on me. I was aware of every single one but did not want to pay much attention to them.

I then approached a certain lady, a stranger, that had been involved. Before I could say two words to her she asked me a very harsh question. Not fully understanding her harshness I answered sort of a blank answer. She then threatened to press charges against me. The mortification intensified. The adrenaline running through my veins made me want to flee the situation immediately. I did not want to talk to her because of my embarrassment and I could see the anger fresh upon in her face. I wanted to avoid this women forever. Run!! my body told myself… without thinking anything but get out of here… I said to her, shaking my head, “NO, you are not going to talk to me like that!” and turned to leave. She followed me saying who knows what at my back so I did a 180 and walked the other way. Get me out of here!!

I made a big circle around the public place and as arrived at my things I saw that the certain lady had come around the other way to meet me again. What the NERVE! Instead of heading directly to my things where we would have met again, I turned to Emma and my friend who was with me. I said “Hurry, lets get out of here. This lady is going to chew me out.”

She then had reached me, in the very public place, and with a raised voice began asking questions and reprimanding me- there on the spot. Ahhhh. I wasn’t sure how much those around us knew what was going on but I know they were watching and now… certainly listening. I hardly knew what was going on. She was obviously so bent out of shape that she wanted to bend me into shape!! Her opinion was strong and although I knew of the situation, I was in the dark about HOW the situation had occurred.

My mortification had cause the flight response in me and I was in such a shock that I was dying to get out of there. My dear friend was along my side defending me as that awful women continued to repremand. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the security guard, that had been involved, approaching that certain lady. He was telling her to stop and back her off with his hand. I all of the sudden felt like he was on my side or at least defending me to the point where he must have known she was being a little to harsh. Maybe he thought a brawl was about to begin.

The words began flying out of my mouth. I raised my voice good and loud so that everyone could here. I really just wanted to shut this women up. I stood up tall and walked towards her with my finger pointed. She was not going to belittle me like that. So instead, I made a fool of myself. My fight response had kicked in. It all happened before I knew it but I told her she had no right to talk to me like that and that my guilt was enough. You guys couldn’t believe it… I hollered so loud. Ahh, the feelings of the moment are so strong. (I really am not a confrontational person, thus my reason to flee, but if you push my buttons hard enough I’ll explode. (Ask Kerflop, she’s got scars to prove it.))

So she backed off. I gathered my stuff, loaded Isaac in the stroller and hunched over him to secure his straps. I began to cry so I just stayed hunched over. The security guard whispered to me, “Do you understand why she is so mad?”

“Yes” I whispered back in a sad, sorry voice. I turned and left.

I was utterly humiliated. I tried to get out of there as fast as I could, Emma and my sweet friend trailing behind. I never looked back. I wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone.

I have no idea what that women’s face looks like.

—

Yes, I made mistake.

Yes, I could have handled the situation better.

Yes, I was glad that this certain women had been there.

But NO, she did not have to treat me in that manner.

No, I should not have hollered at her.

Yes, if felt good to defend myself.

This has been a life altering event. Something inside of me has change. I feel aged. I feel tired and worn. I feel sooo sad.

I guess the truth is, the real truth… I don’t want to forget how I felt because it was a very valuable lesson, a scary lesson. An eye opener. I’m embarrassed to admit this to myself but honestly… I think I must have needed this. I have truly been humbled, humiliated more like… but I can admit that I was wrong. That I made a mistake. It was a big mistake that could have had an awful outcome.

My mother says I need to forgive myself but this thought almost makes the pain worse. I’m not there yet. It still hurts. As time passes it will numb and maybe I’ll be able to tell this story and laugh… or at least roll my eyes at it. But for now I just want to feel… a little bit more calm.

I want the puffiness in my eyes to go away.

Mine is round. So round. I resemble those bouncy things. I’m also quite often mistaken for a child. I guess children have nice round heads. Anyhow it gives me the young, youthful look that I have come to loath.

Jeremy’s head is so much longer then mine. I think he must get most his height from his head. I hope our head sizes balance out for the kids.

I think this picture proves my point. In fact the hats emphasize my point.

We were able to go snowboarding again. Whoo hoo… I had done some work for a friend and so she offered a day of babysitting. Jer took last Thursday off and we hit the slopes. There was 21 inches of fresh powder. Ahhh… It was awesome. We’d go in the trees and the powder was so fresh and soft we were floating. We did get white washed a number of times but it was soo fun.