I had an awful experience. At least I think it was awful. I feel awful.

It has been a few day now but it is haunting me. I really need to get it out of my system.

I’ve been out of town so this is the first chance I’ve had to blog about it. I don’t want to share with the world what happened to me, the details of it all, but I really do need to sit down and write about it. It’s therapy I think… to write things down. To really express how I feel. Otherwise I’ll be up all night writing and rewriting versions of the story in my head. I hope you don’t mind me sharing.

I’m going to give you a very edited version of what happened to me. I am way to embarrassed about it to tell you the truth -what the mistake was. Plus I’m afraid of being reprimanded, looked down upon or judged. I’ve done enough of this to myself over the last 2 days. I can hardly stand it anymore.

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I was in a very public place. To the best of my knowledge I was being a fine mother, a responsible person, and enjoying my time. All of the sudden, a situation (which I refuse to disclose) presented its self. I responded like any normal person would… WORRY and PANIC. This situation was terrifying!! but I told myself to be calm and simply to do my best to take care of it. I didn’t want to blow it up into a bigger deal before I knew everything that was going on. After one quick minute everything was rectified and I was thinking to myself that I was glad that I had not panicked.

I was no longer terrified, the moment has past, but I still had every right in the world to be mortified. There were a lot of eyes on me. I was aware of every single one but did not want to pay much attention to them.

I then approached a certain lady, a stranger, that had been involved. Before I could say two words to her she asked me a very harsh question. Not fully understanding her harshness I answered sort of a blank answer. She then threatened to press charges against me. The mortification intensified. The adrenaline running through my veins made me want to flee the situation immediately. I did not want to talk to her because of my embarrassment and I could see the anger fresh upon in her face. I wanted to avoid this women forever. Run!! my body told myself… without thinking anything but get out of here… I said to her, shaking my head, “NO, you are not going to talk to me like that!” and turned to leave. She followed me saying who knows what at my back so I did a 180 and walked the other way. Get me out of here!!

I made a big circle around the public place and as arrived at my things I saw that the certain lady had come around the other way to meet me again. What the NERVE! Instead of heading directly to my things where we would have met again, I turned to Emma and my friend who was with me. I said “Hurry, lets get out of here. This lady is going to chew me out.”

She then had reached me, in the very public place, and with a raised voice began asking questions and reprimanding me- there on the spot. Ahhhh. I wasn’t sure how much those around us knew what was going on but I know they were watching and now… certainly listening. I hardly knew what was going on. She was obviously so bent out of shape that she wanted to bend me into shape!! Her opinion was strong and although I knew of the situation, I was in the dark about HOW the situation had occurred.

My mortification had cause the flight response in me and I was in such a shock that I was dying to get out of there. My dear friend was along my side defending me as that awful women continued to repremand. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the security guard, that had been involved, approaching that certain lady. He was telling her to stop and back her off with his hand. I all of the sudden felt like he was on my side or at least defending me to the point where he must have known she was being a little to harsh. Maybe he thought a brawl was about to begin.

The words began flying out of my mouth. I raised my voice good and loud so that everyone could here. I really just wanted to shut this women up. I stood up tall and walked towards her with my finger pointed. She was not going to belittle me like that. So instead, I made a fool of myself. My fight response had kicked in. It all happened before I knew it but I told her she had no right to talk to me like that and that my guilt was enough. You guys couldn’t believe it… I hollered so loud. Ahh, the feelings of the moment are so strong. (I really am not a confrontational person, thus my reason to flee, but if you push my buttons hard enough I’ll explode. (Ask Kerflop, she’s got scars to prove it.))

So she backed off. I gathered my stuff, loaded Isaac in the stroller and hunched over him to secure his straps. I began to cry so I just stayed hunched over. The security guard whispered to me, “Do you understand why she is so mad?”

“Yes” I whispered back in a sad, sorry voice. I turned and left.

I was utterly humiliated. I tried to get out of there as fast as I could, Emma and my sweet friend trailing behind. I never looked back. I wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone.

I have no idea what that women’s face looks like.

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Yes, I made mistake.

Yes, I could have handled the situation better.

Yes, I was glad that this certain women had been there.

But NO, she did not have to treat me in that manner.

No, I should not have hollered at her.

Yes, if felt good to defend myself.

This has been a life altering event. Something inside of me has change. I feel aged. I feel tired and worn. I feel sooo sad.

I guess the truth is, the real truth… I don’t want to forget how I felt because it was a very valuable lesson, a scary lesson. An eye opener. I’m embarrassed to admit this to myself but honestly… I think I must have needed this. I have truly been humbled, humiliated more like… but I can admit that I was wrong. That I made a mistake. It was a big mistake that could have had an awful outcome.

My mother says I need to forgive myself but this thought almost makes the pain worse. I’m not there yet. It still hurts. As time passes it will numb and maybe I’ll be able to tell this story and laugh… or at least roll my eyes at it. But for now I just want to feel… a little bit more calm.

I want the puffiness in my eyes to go away.