I am loving the weather today. I can hear the thunder rolling around in the sky right now. All I really want to do is lay on the couch next to an open window. Ahhh. Does anyone not love a good spring rain?
A rainy day, of course, makes me feel melancholy and turn my thoughts inward. I can’t help but analyze things. I think… “Am I doing an ok job at life? Are my kiddos going to grow up without psychological harm? Is my husband happy? Does he have to do to many “mom” chores because I’m not on top of it (particularly laundry?) Am I making him watch the kids too much? Is Emma going to be ready for kindergarten? If a visitor came over, would they think my house stinks?” Ha ha, okay, not really, but you know the feeling. I think we have to sit down sometimes and make sure we’re going to make it.
I’ve been having a lot of mommy guilt lately. I’ve been dragging the kids around so much that Emma finally said, “I just want to stay home.” How could she turn down the park? Poor girl must be really tired. I get so consumed with errands or with what I need want to get done that day. I thought that perhaps I just need to sit down and play with Emma at home. I am not much a get down on the floor and play kind of mom but I think she’d really appreciate it if I did it a little bit more.
The other day we were driving and she was watching out the window. She turned to me and said “It always looks the same here.”
I asked her what she meant. “I wish it looked like Mexico or Hawaii.” (She’s never been to either.) Oh, yea?
“Yea, I want to be a hula girl.” Oh?
“Ya, I want to be a different girl and have a different family.” Humm, sad for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if a teenager had said something like this… but a 4 year old.
Dagger in the heart.
She’s been really interested in reading lately so I bought these Bob books. She’s loved them and has carried then around with her all week. What can I say… it’s not the best thing I could have done for her but I feel like I’ve made a little bit of an effort to be a better mommy. That’s what counts, right?
5 responses so far ↓
1 Brooke // May 7, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I’ve loved the weather today too. And I can totally relate with the mommy guilt. Especially during my lovely post-partum moments. I think we all have those feelings where we wonder if we’re doing enough, I know I do. Hang in there!! You’re not alone!!!
2 macy // May 8, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I loved this post. I think we think the same way… I went to the temple last night just praying to feel like all that I do- is doing something!
I loved the thunder storm! We opened up every window, pulled up all the blinds, and breathed it in! My kids were thoroughly entertained. Luckily, we bought new umbrellas last week. Of course they’re ruined now, but it was fun while it lasted.
3 Carrie // May 8, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a super mom - i’ve seen you in action. And as for Emma’s little comment, those are the one’s that you just have to make yourself laugh at so you don’t cry - remember she’s only 4. It’s like when Maggie once told me, “I love daddy, but I don’t really love you.” i think I did actually tear up a bit when my back was turned, but now it’s kinda funny to remember.
And hey, could you send some of that rain down south a bit?
4 RuthP // May 8, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Those Bob books are great. My kids learned to read starting with them. I bought them for my oldest daughter when she was 4. She read the first three on the way home from the store and never looked back. My kids and I have spent many hours reading to each other through the years.
I don’t think kids even outgrow needing some “Mom-time”.
5 Radel // May 9, 2008 at 1:14 pm
You are a women after my own heart. I love the rain to. I wish is would rain more here (Southern CA). We used to live in UT and really enjoyed it there. As for the mommy guilt, is there a mom out there that doesn’t have it? We all go through those times and as long as it makes you try harder it is okay. When the guilt gets so bad that it makes you want to give up, then there is a problem. Take care!