I have to say… thank you to everyone for your nice comments on my last, crummy post. I am glad that I am not alone!!

It’s not so bad to sit down and re-evaluate life.  I’ve tried the last couple of days to be happier and more patient with the kiddos. The sunshine and 40 degree weather has helped but I also find it easier when I fill the day up with “stuff.” The days go faster when it’s full of a bunch of errands, activities or crafts projects around the house.

Today I did something that I have been putting off forever… perhaps years. I made bread.

We have cans and cans of wheat that we need to start rotating. The problem is we have only had a hand grinder and I’m not about to spend a half an hour grinding only to get 2 cups of course flour.

Luckily for us, we had a lovely Christmas present from my mom in law (thanks Linnie!!) So yea, for fresh ground wheat!

I tried my inexperienced hand at bread today and I think when the hubby comes home to the aroma of fresh whole wheat bread he’ll be pleasantly surprised.

In an effort to get the kids involved I let them roll out the last of the dough, sprinkle (dump) cinnamon and sugar on the dough and help me roll it up. Isaac had so much fun running his fingers through the left over flour and Emma just adores creating something by herself. Only she gets to eat the rolls that she made. I think overall they turned out pretty good. Anything is delicious drenched in powdered sugar frosting! I haven’t tried the braided bread yet and may regret it because I love toast so much (who knows how it will slice up) but it sure looks pretty.

I feel like I’m due for a post but today was a pretty crummy day so get ready for a depressing one…

Today Isaac and I had another speech therapy session at our home. Our speech therapist, Becca asked me at the beginning how things were going. I told her that Isaac has been really wild lately. He seems quite mad and frustrated at the world. He’ll have a difficult time communicating with us or Emma and resort to growling or hitting. She went off about making him some flash cards of sorts to help keep him focused and give him choices, something visual… I wondered how that was really going to help but thought it would be worth a try, especially when shopping at the grocery store, but at home…?

Despite my doubts, Isaac has warmed up to soft spoken, gentle Becca and has begun to respond quite well to her.  He knows the routine. He wont get anything from her unless he says the word she wants. I get a kick out of watching them work together. She gets Isaac to try so hard at shaping those full little lips of his into sounds; wa, pu, ba. I generally sit back and watch because I never know what to do. She’ll occasionally prompt me to participate but I feel so awkward and never know the right thing to say. Isaac needs constant focus or he’ll run off and my half attempts usually don’t work. She’ll take over.

Near the end of our session, she had me close the closet door to the toys and told me to have him say open before he could get more toys out. I prompted him to say “oooopppeen” and he immediately pouted his lips. I knew right away he didn’t want me participating. He then said “NO” in his meanest voice possible and shot me with his super powers that come out of his fingers, pshshshshs! I prompted him again and he begun pulling on the closest door to open it. He was determined to get what he wanted by physical force. I had seen Becca hold the door shut, waiting for the “open” but it never came. He began to fight me even more. I knew we were in a power struggle and I found my self wondering “Why wont he do this for me? I tried to copy what Becca did.” I tried to prompt him again and before I knew it I was smacked in the face by that chubby little hand.

She took over, gave him a little scolding and then of course he said “open” for her. I found my eyes welling up with tears through the rest of the session. “He hates me. I’m a horrible mother. I can’t control my own son!” I had to keep taking deep breaths and telling myself that I could cry good and hard after she left.

At the end of a session, she writes a little report, we discuss how the session went and what to work on. Then she always asks me what I want to take away from today and focus on for the next week. Lame question! Didn’t we just discuss it? I’m the one in therapy obviously. Today I wanted to scream or burst into tears or something and yell “What the HECK are you talking about!!! I CAN’T do any of this with Isaac. He doesn’t care snot about me and what I say!” but instead I gave some fluffy answer.

She finally left after staying  a hour longer then usual. I cried my eyes out and Isaac ran and hid because he was a little freaked out that mommy was so sad.

I know we all have moments when we feel like a crummy mom but I did some serious thinking about it today. Is Isaac’s behavior problems all nurture? I’ve been pointing my figure at nature all along. I must be going about this all wrong? Have I lost all control of my patience and rational reasoning and given it to Isaac? I’ve let him be so independent. Am I so deep in with him and our habits that he wont respect me anymore? Have I let him run wild?? Becca wants me to be so structured and spend all this time playing, but he just doesn’t respond to me the same. Arggg… can you tell I’m super frustrated. You’d think that after a lesson on how to act with a child I could turn around and do it…. but it almost seems like these days are harder, super challenging and Isaac is more demanding than ever.

There has been one thing on my mind for the past 10 weeks or so… you probably can guess what it is. Yup, baby being breech.

My midwife suggested going to a chiropractor. She has worked with this particular chiro a lot and just raved about her. This chiropractic office specializes in family, specifically pregnancy and children. My midwife said that if anything would turn this baby it would be this.

So I went. I was super impressed on my first visit. Not only was the doctor incredibly nice but she was also so positive. She said that she had helped so many mothers and could count on one hand the babies that hadn’t flipped. She said there was even a reason that they hadn’t flipped. For once I felt hopeful.

She told me that my pelvis was shifted forward and tilted.  I guess this is a common problem for women but if it is bad enough the twisted pelvis can twist the uterus, making it hard for the baby to flip around.

She has had me get adjusted every other day for two weeks. It has consumed me. Appointment after appointment. I kept wondering how on earth she could expect baby to flip during this week but she kept telling me that we would start seeing movement from baby after 3 or so adjustments.

One thing that was totally obvious to me was that the lower back pain, pinched sciatic nerve and tail bone pain has been soooo much less and many days totally gone. I just thought that the tail bone pain was apart of being pregnant.  If baby wasn’t going to flip, at least I was pain free (except for walking for hours around the mall or the zoo.)

Last night I laid in bed feeling baby wiggle around and was feeling so down.  It’s hard not to ask “why me?” I know to some people, a C section is not a big deal. Perhaps even easier then natural. Schedule, go in, come out with baby. So why worry? Babies come into this world in all sorts of ways. But for some reason this is so important to me!! It is a big deal!! A natural birth is something that I want. A peaceful, happy birth for everyone involved. A gentle welcoming into the world. Of course I understand that medicine has its place. That it is needed at times and can deliver healthy happy babies. For me, I want to do everything possible to achieve the birth I want.

Any hoo, I’m feeling slightly defensive because I was talking to someone last night that didn’t understand why it mattered. It does matter. I’ve had both types of births.

This morning I had yet another chiropractic appointment. I was in and out pretty quick and then ran over to a prenatal check up.

As my midwife check my belly her eyes got big and round. I said to her “don’t you dare!” We started giggling, like we often do at my prenatals, and had to wait for braxton hicks to pass before she could confirm what she was feeling.

BABY HEAD DOWN!! Ahhh. I can hardly believe it. In fact, I don’t know if I can believe it. I can barely let myself relax and believe it. I would hate to get all excited and then have it change again.

Is it a miracle? It feels like it. Was it the chiropractor? Was it all the time I spent upside down and on my hands and knees? Did baby just decided to stop stressing out Momma? Who knows. I’ll never know.

All I know is that I can start thinking and preparing for this birth.

Naturally.

Prepared to be HORRIFIED.

Today we went to Arctic Circle for lunch. I absolutely hate their food but it’s the closest play land for us and I just had to get out of the house.

Isaac drank a lot of juice and so after playing for a while he naturally had to go potty. I haven’t written much about his potty training because it was such a breeze but he still needs a bit of assistance.

We ran.

I directed him to the ladies bathroom but he stopped, pointed up to the girls bathroom sign and mumbled something in his own little jargon. Yup, this is the girls. I thought that either he was super smart to figure out the signs or someone had showed him the difference. Still wondering, I then told him that Mommy could only go in the girls and Isaac had to come with me. I then tried to persuade him to come in but he flat out refused.

I didn’t want to push him too hard because I knew if a tantrum started, I would never get him to go. Much to my disgust, I accompanied Isaac into the men’s restroom.The women’s bathroom was only a single toilet so I was pretty sure that the men’s was empty. The bathroom consisted of one stall and a urinal and the door didn’t lock. If a man walked in, there I would be. I felt pretty disgusting just walking in there. Isaac went straight to the urinal to do his business. He had obviously used one before. We finished, washed up and left the bathroom. Okay, that wasn’t too bad.

I wanted the kids to play as much as possible so I sat down to play tetris on my phone. It wasn’t too much later when Isaac came running again. “oo oo oming!” (Insert two P’s and a C and you’ll know what he was saying.) Oh man, not again. I tried to convince him again to go into the women’s but to no avail. We went again into the men’s. This time I was more uncomfortable in the little stall. There are no paper seat covers in there and I hate to have Isaac touch the toilet. After Isaac half undressed, he decided he didn’t have to go and wanted to use the urinal instead. Argg, trickle trickle and that was it. He must just be thinking it’s cool or something. Let’s get out of here.

So the next time,  the 3-year old boy that we were with had to go and Isaac wanted to accompany him. Whatever this fascination was, I thought they’d use the facilities and then come out to continue playing. Perhaps it was my laziness. I didn’t want to have to go in there again. I watched the door and after a while I heard laughing and screaming. I opened the door and hated what I saw. Isaac undressed and completely soaked. He was standing in front of the urinal with puddles of water all around and the other boy point at Isaac in blame. It was obvious that Isaac had been splashing in the urinal water. I think I might have screamed or cursed or something. As I walked over to grab my urine water covered boy, he reached and touched the blue drain thingy that I suppose is for smell or something. I screamed or cursed again thinking of all the men that had urinated on that blue thingy. AHHHHH!!

We washed up as quick as possible and wrestled to get my little boy dressed. As we walked out of the bathroom I noticed how sticky my shoes sounded on the floor. Gross. What was on the floor that would be sticky. Ahhhh! Lets all scream together, AHHHHHH!

I wanted to leave Artic Circle as soon as possible. I then had to gather up Emma and her friend, get shoes on, throw garbage away and such. Isaac then came and said “oo oo oming!” I was pretty sure he really had to go so I carried him into the Women’s bathroom. He started whinnying and wiggling. I told him he was going to go potty on this toilet. I tried to force him to sit down. Well, it didn’t work. Wrestling him, I sat him down and before I knew it his feet were IN the toilet. Arggg, I pulled him out and ran him to the sink where I began to wash him. I could hardly handle the tears that wanted to rush out of my eyes. Isaac! We washed up and left that stink’n place.

On my way home, I texted my husband. “Did you teach Isaac about boy and girl bathrooms?”

“Yes” was his reply.

It feels good to be recovered from the holidays. Life feels somewhat normal. My January calendar is full of appointments and it’s nice to be somewhat busy.

I just finished a speech therapy session with Isaac. I had been feeling so discouraged and much like a looser mom. Isaac temper tantrums and naughty behavor had me feeling like we were digressing. The speech therapist said she thought he was making more age apporopriate sounds this time. Maybe she said that just to make me feel better but he did seem to respond to her better and even enjoyed playing with her this time. Also yesterday, the ladies in the nursery said that they could definatly understand more words from him.

Hummm… maybe he is improving.

Along the breech front… nothing has changed. I’ve been increasing the amount of inversions I’ve been doing. I’ve read this website top to bottom. Very interesting. I’m going to a Chiropractor on Wednesday. She specializes in pregnancies and breech babies… I’m feeling hopeful.

Last Monday at my prenatal, my doula was asking me how far along I was. I told her I didn’t know and had lost track somewhere in the 20s. My midwife looked down at her papers and said… “You are 31 weeks and 5 days.” Woo, I couldn’t believe I was that far already. It made it feel right around the corner. Once the 30s are hit it seems like the end is in site. The next few days I was feeling happy that it had gone so fast. Maybe I’ll loose track of my weeks more often.

Last night Jer asked me how far I was and I said “32 weeks.” He immediately said “NO, you are more like 29 weeks.” He then proceeded to bust out the Excel spreadsheet to confirm that I was only 29 weeks. When he told me, I had to get out my own calendar to count. Yup. I’m only 29. I’m not sure how my midwife messed up but all of the sudden I wanted to cry. I had just lost 3 weeks to my pregnancy. Bummer.

Scene: Today, noon. On the way home from a prenatal.

Cell phone rings.

Me: “Hello, oh hi. I’m on my way home right now.”

Neighbor: “Oh, don’t bother, Isaac has fallen asleep on my couch. I’ll call you when he wakes up.”

Me: “Okay, are you sure? Okay thanks. Bye.”

15 min later. Return home. 6 ladies show up at my house to work on a church craft project. Lots of laughing. Accomplish a lot without Isaac around.

1.5 hours later.  Cell rings.

Me: “Hello. Hi, he’s awake? Okay, I’ll be right over.”

I borrow lady’s suburban because mine is boxed in by 3 other cars. Drive around the block in the snow to retrieve son.

Knock, knock.

Door opens. Isaac appears. Sees me, lips pout out in an upset glare. He turns and runs.

Me: “Isaac, it’s time to go home. Lets go bye bye.”

Glare continues. He buries his head deep in the couch pillows.

Me: “Isaac, I’m going to run your car seat out to the car and then I’ll come back and get you to go bye, bye.”

Upon return- pout still present. Boy remains resistant. I scoop him up, anxious to get back to my company.

Kicking, screaming, swinging, hitting. Rush to the car. Drive around the block.

Isaac: ” Ahhhhhhhhhhhh”

Park car. Unload car seat. Isaac retreats to the 3rd row of suburban locking arms and legs around seat. Kicking, screaming, swinging, hitting. Pregnant mother attempts to talk child into coming into the house. Boy still resistant. Pregnant mother climbs back into suburban to carry child in the house.

Isaac: ” Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.” Kicking, screaming, swinging, hitting.

Barely make it up the ice steps. Hurray and shut door before child can escape.

Isaac: ” Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.”

House full of Ladies: “Isaac didn’t want to come home?”

Me: “Nope” Pregnant mother sits down to rest, breathing heavy.

Isaac continues from door way: ” Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.” Begins throwing shoes down the stairs.

Me: “I know you are frustrated.”

Isaac sobbing into moms shoulder, pauses for a moment. Looks up in the moms face.  Swings arm back. “SMACK” across moms face. Ladies stifles giggles in the back ground. Isaac is then carried to his room for a long time out.

Isaac: ” Ahhhhhhhhhhhh”

Ladies leaving. “Hope you get a nap this afternoon.”

Me: “Me too.”