I feel like I’m due for a post but today was a pretty crummy day so get ready for a depressing one…
Today Isaac and I had another speech therapy session at our home. Our speech therapist, Becca asked me at the beginning how things were going. I told her that Isaac has been really wild lately. He seems quite mad and frustrated at the world. He’ll have a difficult time communicating with us or Emma and resort to growling or hitting. She went off about making him some flash cards of sorts to help keep him focused and give him choices, something visual… I wondered how that was really going to help but thought it would be worth a try, especially when shopping at the grocery store, but at home…?
Despite my doubts, Isaac has warmed up to soft spoken, gentle Becca and has begun to respond quite well to her. He knows the routine. He wont get anything from her unless he says the word she wants. I get a kick out of watching them work together. She gets Isaac to try so hard at shaping those full little lips of his into sounds; wa, pu, ba. I generally sit back and watch because I never know what to do. She’ll occasionally prompt me to participate but I feel so awkward and never know the right thing to say. Isaac needs constant focus or he’ll run off and my half attempts usually don’t work. She’ll take over.
Near the end of our session, she had me close the closet door to the toys and told me to have him say open before he could get more toys out. I prompted him to say “oooopppeen” and he immediately pouted his lips. I knew right away he didn’t want me participating. He then said “NO” in his meanest voice possible and shot me with his super powers that come out of his fingers, pshshshshs! I prompted him again and he begun pulling on the closest door to open it. He was determined to get what he wanted by physical force. I had seen Becca hold the door shut, waiting for the “open” but it never came. He began to fight me even more. I knew we were in a power struggle and I found my self wondering “Why wont he do this for me? I tried to copy what Becca did.” I tried to prompt him again and before I knew it I was smacked in the face by that chubby little hand.
She took over, gave him a little scolding and then of course he said “open” for her. I found my eyes welling up with tears through the rest of the session. “He hates me. I’m a horrible mother. I can’t control my own son!” I had to keep taking deep breaths and telling myself that I could cry good and hard after she left.
At the end of a session, she writes a little report, we discuss how the session went and what to work on. Then she always asks me what I want to take away from today and focus on for the next week. Lame question! Didn’t we just discuss it? I’m the one in therapy obviously. Today I wanted to scream or burst into tears or something and yell “What the HECK are you talking about!!! I CAN’T do any of this with Isaac. He doesn’t care snot about me and what I say!” but instead I gave some fluffy answer.
She finally left after staying a hour longer then usual. I cried my eyes out and Isaac ran and hid because he was a little freaked out that mommy was so sad.
I know we all have moments when we feel like a crummy mom but I did some serious thinking about it today. Is Isaac’s behavior problems all nurture? I’ve been pointing my figure at nature all along. I must be going about this all wrong? Have I lost all control of my patience and rational reasoning and given it to Isaac? I’ve let him be so independent. Am I so deep in with him and our habits that he wont respect me anymore? Have I let him run wild?? Becca wants me to be so structured and spend all this time playing, but he just doesn’t respond to me the same. Arggg… can you tell I’m super frustrated. You’d think that after a lesson on how to act with a child I could turn around and do it…. but it almost seems like these days are harder, super challenging and Isaac is more demanding than ever.
My name is Manda and I love creating 
Ummm, YOU are! I think you are amazing. You duck-taping the safety-knob on the inside of Isaac’s door was a stroke of genius and has given me many-an-afternoon of brief/somewhat silence.
At the end of the day, who is Isaac going to run to with a hug? Not Becca. Remember, boys only hit girls they really like. THAT is their nature.
I am sorry to hear/read that you are having a rough day with your son.
Just keep trying the best you can because in the end that is all that anyone can do. You are a human being and as such, will find youself lacking. Take it with a grain of salt and keep trying. Trust that you are doing what’s best.
I just recently found your blog and I love your templates! You are so generous!! Thank you for helping me have a little more inspiration with my scrapooking!! I am so sorry! It can be so frustrating and discouraging at times to be a parent (like everyday)!!! I hope you can give yourself some more credit and realize that there isn’t a mother alive who is perfect! It’s so easy to be so hard on ourselves as women but there is a reason why you are Isaac’s mom. Hang in there!
I’m not sure whether or not this will help or not. I was a daycare “mom” and the children definitely acted differently with me than they did around their parents. children act up for their parents because they KNOW their parents have unconditional love for them! Others – not so much. Just keep telling yourself that during the difficult times! He loves you and KNOWS you love him, so can let his true feeling out around you!
I TOTALLY agree with Sherry’s comment above. MY 3 year old can be a huge handful with me. He goes to Mother’s Day Out 2 days a week though and is an absolute angel for his teachers. I don’t even try to comprehend it, but I know it also happens with my sister’s kids.
Believe in your ability to be a good mother. You love him and just the fact that you are trying to help shows that you are doing something right.
So sorry Amanda. I’m sitting here near tears for you wishing I knew exactly what to say. All I know is every kid comes packaged a little differently and we as the lucky moms get to figure out how to unwrap them to expose all that great potential. Just keep loving him and pray for lots and lots of patience and for the inspiration that you are so entitled to as his mom. He was sent to you for a reason. You can do it mama. Love you.
Hi there – I’ve been reading you for a while and don’t know if I’ve commented before or not. Sorry to be such a lurker.
But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. My son is 26 months old and is doing the exact same things. Exact. Just this morning, my husband looked at me and asked what was wrong with our son because he has just been out of his mind the last few days. Hitting, biting, screaming, we’ve seen it all. Btw, my son is also speech delayed, but he did not qualify for therapy services, so we’re stuck trying to do it ourselves (and that is so frustrating, too). I have no answers for you, but I just wanted you to know that you are NOT a bad mama (I’ve been thinking the same thoughts myself) and that you are not alone.
Well, I probably get to see you the most in mothering situations and you are a great Mom. You have a ton of patience and the kids both know how deeply you love them. That’s what will matter most in their development and in shaping the type of people they become.
I have two sons with autism and one of them struggles with their speach as well. But I understand how you feel and how things just happen and you think that they are all your fault and that you want something to blame, but in the end you blame yourself by feeling like a failure or in your words, crummy! Hang in there! It will get better.
Well, you just described my son to a T. We did the exact same thing at your son’s age. Now, just imagine a 6 year old with enough vocabulary to spout some really great hateful conversation your way that he learned at school.
Children freak out with the person they feel safest. That means that he knows you will still love him even after he’s a little pill, so he is way more likely to be mean to you than someone else.
Also, you have been wearing yourself out trying to do right by this kid since the moment you conceived him. You are both well aware of each other’s weaknesses and he has the energy to play you like a fiddle, when all you want to do is sleep or have a semi peaceful afternoon. THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT. No where does it say you are supposed to do everything perfectly all of the time, and when you see a parent who looks like she’s so much more together than you are- you remember that HER KID and YOUR KID aren’t even the same species. And there is a reason why Heavenly Father sent you the one He did.
These other people who show up and seemingly have so much control and competence? A) they are getting paid. B) They probably had a good night’s sleep last night -and the night before! C) they deal with your child for one small slice of life per day or week- and then go deal with other things, so they are never burned out D) they are totally unknown quantities to your child- and children fear (respect) an unknown quantity until it becomes known.
These people do not have your job. They don’t want your job, and they probably couldn’t do YOUR job. You are being asked to be super mom, and to do it on little sleep and with a lot of outside judgement. You are asked to do it and to not see the results of your labors for many, many years. You are a tough chick.
Your son is exactly who he was created to be in the pre-existance, and while this is creating a situation for you now where beating your head against a wall literally sounds like a good option, it isn’t BAD. It just is what it is. You’re just a tour guide who gets to teach this kid how to live with himself. And your next one will be totally different.
I can’t even count the times I have been frustrated beyond all reason with my very similar son. I can tell you I’ve been there at least 5 times already this week. Thankfully, this is a bad week, not a typical week.
Hang in there. Do not beat yourself up over this. And- HIRE A SITTER. You need a break. You can’t give your best to your children if you let them suck you dry, and when you have a child as intense and curious and tenacious as we have- you need to refuel twice as much as mommys of average children. This is not weakness- this is good self care.
Leah is soooooo right. I’m currently struggling with my EMOTIONAL 7 year old and asking the same questions you are. I totally agree that these kiddos will behave beautifully for others and give US the hard time because of course they feel the most comfortable. I still find myself griping and whining to mom like I wouldn’t if I were with someone else… because I know she’ll love me anyway.
Ugh, I know it’s rough, but hang in there. And maybe instead of trying to keep a cool head and give the helper a fluff answer, let the tears go and really tell her how you are feeling. She might have some good advice.
xx
J.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear about the bouts with Isaac. The best piece of advise that my mother gave me was to let me know that there were going to be days that I would hate my children. That it was okay to feel like; but it was how you responded to it that made either good or bad. You are responding in a perfectly natural and good way. And it is okay to cry and to let him see you cry.
I agree with Jeremy. You are a great Mom!! Who could be more fun than you?